Safety Is Necessary For Trauma To Lessen

But What Is It?

Some thoughts on this video:

When my C-PTSD flares up, my mind feels like a shaken snow globe.

I crave “safety” but am too numb to contact myself.

It can last for days, this kind of disembodiment. And it’s often hard to identify what set it off, but likely a conflict.

Sometimes, you just have to wait. Do nothing.

So true what Van Der Kolk says—it’s vital to limit interactions to people who feel “safe,” if you want to “heal,” (a word I reject) chronic trauma, but the question becomes: What exactly is that?

A few basics come to mind:

—People who say what they mean and mean what they say. People you can understand, for whatever reason. Who hear you when you say “no.”

Ralph Magee read me a quote recently from a trauma expert who said something along the lines that trauma is when you are asked to do something you don’t want to do. That’s why grooming is so damaging. (See also “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin deBecker.)

No “safe” people want you to do things you don’t want to do.

—Seek people who actually acknowledge you when you express a need, a hurt, a fear, or just a basic wish to communicate.

—If somebody has shown a pattern of invalidating your feelings, casting you in the role of difficult, or bad, won’t meet you half way, or tries to take your humanity away, you have to distance yourself. No begging.

—If you were treated with abuse, neglect, bullying, mobbing, or just ignored altogether, you will likely try to understand “why.” The painful answer is simply that you’ve been devalued. That was familiar, so you became unduly fascinated. and tried to “fight” to retrieve your lost self regard. The key is to lose interest.

—You’re not a table, you’re a human being. Your needs are valid. You’re not crazy, nor are you asking too much, when you ask for authentic communication.

—Drop people who poison-pass (that’s conveying to you injurious things others have said about you, and acting surprised when you don’t want to hear all about it. Such people try to paralyze your protective instincts by insisting it will be good for you to hear it—pretending they in some way are doing you a favor. Never ever pass along anything negative said about a person to that person. It grows way more potent and hurtful in the passing.

—Apologize quickly when you treat others poorly. If the person is not reachable, pray to be forgiven.

—Say people’s names, and say them correctly. Remember that the entire world, just about, suffers residual trauma, and might be hurting. Humanize others as part of your own healing.

—Avoid people who refuse to communicate their needs, wants, wishes, but would prefer to punish you for not anticipating them. Such punishers like to “ghost” people, who have not met their expectations. You’re better off with people generous enough to yell when they’re upset. Silence is the worst.

—Remind yourself that you function well when communication is authentic.

—Keep close to a very few people you trust. That means people who will tell you honestly when they need something, and are not interested in casting you in a role you don’t want to play. Anybody who partakes in undermining your self regard, in micro-shaming, or who dials down your value to them when you think differently from them, is not a trusted friend. You can’t heal while at the same time staying stuck in these roles. It’s equally important not to do any of this to others.

—Above all—eliminate shaming culture. Safety is vital, and safety comes from knowing people are being truthful. ie will not use euphemisms. Read energy and believe it.

—Accept that you have nerve damage, brain damage, inflicted long ago, but you can have friends who understand this, and who will work with you when you disassociate. Not being able to remember well, or stay present, is a classic trauma symptom. Tell true friends you’re always trying, but may need help. Ask them not to “take it personally,” but also, build systems that help you function. Likely you have no bonding problems if you feel safe.

—Don’t compare yourself to “normal” high functioning people. Only you know how you got this way—you are your own witness and friend.

And you should be proud at the progress you have made, even if it never results in the kind of normalcy you may covet. Embrace the crooked, jagged parts of you that stubbornly resist straightening and smoothing.

Gaza is the trauma nexus of the world, and part of the plan is to weaponize your empathy against you as a pathology.

We are all one interconnected organism, and “self” is an illusion.

I can’t help but link again to this—the single best trauma healing lecture and possibly best video on the internet. For those who may not yet be familiar with it:

3:49 am.

You all are probably fast asleep.