Toby's Dream

Oh Celia. I can hardly believe it, but a few hours ago you were in my dream at a party, in a kitchen. The atmosphere was that you were in serious emotional pain and needed help. Rupert was there. He gave you a big hug. Then I gave you a big hug. So two dream hugs from us, though one of us was a dream brother. Magical thinking reaching out into reality. I hope the hugs reach you.

Before Ember died, after the vet had told us he needs low-protein food to have a chance, I woke one morning, opened the front door and there he was. He had been out all night and come back with a rabbit that must have been 70% of his size, and he was a large cat. The head was off and Ember was eating the rabbit from the neck down, crunching through the spine. I thought, "No, that's too much protein!" I buried the rabbit in the garden. A few hours later, he was standing on the spot where the rabbit lay buried looking at us imploringly. But we did not relent. We had special low-protein food and he had to eat that.

After he died we learned new research showed that cats need bone when their kidneys are failing. He knew EXACTLY what he needed, and we deprived him of it. I still apologise to him to this day. The sadness around that is so redolent of technocracy and scientific 'knowing' versus organic knowing. My trust now is in our bodies, our inner knowings, and learning how to listen in humility and evolving wisdom. It's a long path, but one worth walking. With help I know you will heal. All of us here are part-carrying you through this luminous pain, the pain of a perfect friendship turned to memory.

—Toby Russell

Submitted as comment following this post, about Jack’s death.