What They Said: Marshall Rosenberg
celiafarber.substack.com
What They Said: Marshall Rosenberg
The Founder Of Non-Violent Communication On Why Praise And Compliments Are Part And Parcel Of "Violence"
“Perhaps you are surprised that I regard praise and compliments to be life-alienating. Notice, however, that appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. I define judgments—both positive and negative—as life-alienating communication.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
I have been concerned for some time by the NVC focus on "needs" and how channeling our experiences, self - understanding, and relationships into this medium may play into scarcity culture. When your full experiences become assessed and addressed according to "needs," this presumes that whatever is categorized as such is needed. Is it? If it is needed, then what can we make of our needs which are not met? How does this inform and shape our experiences and our relationships with ourselves and others? I spent years learning and practicing NVC in an intentional community, and I remain with this concern, despite also being grateful for the way NVC allowed me to deal with conflict without it being someone's fault. Still, I am now not comfortable to personally use the cultural vernacular of "needs," as, for me, it changes the heart of things enough to make them an untruth, for me at least.
Rosenberg said there was a way to give praise which is life-affirming, by connecting the gratitude with a specific action. He also said receiving such gratitude or joy is challenging for many people. It requires practice. ;)